John Mulaney is an American stand-up comedian. And like all big stars, he is a lot of things more. He is an actor, a producer, and an all-round entertainer. Born in 1982, Mulaney who is an alma mater of Georgetown University is just 37 but his jokes, his appearances, and his quotes have been around and loom large that he seems to be near twice as old as he truly is. John started his career as a writer with Saturday Night Live which is a big deal, which says that he is grounded in the origin of jokes and not just a voice who reads them. Some of the quotes here are jokes but most are about life, the things that really matter – nothing. For instance, he once said “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”
And he spoke for millions of us, the legend!
John Mulaney Quotes
“I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”
“13-year olds are the meanest people in the world.”
“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”
“We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”
“I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”
“Just because you are accurate doesn’t mean you are interesting.”
“I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”
“If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.”
A few quotes to help you keep calm
“My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.”
“Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.”
“I think for many of us – speaking for just a pocket of the country – we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don’t run home and check the nanny cam. But now we’ve left the baby with Gary Busey, so we’re going to be a lot more on it.”
“My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.”
“Things don’t exist until they exist.”
“I like it when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”
“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”
“I think for many of us – speaking for just a pocket of the country – we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don’t run home and check the nanny cam. But now we’ve left the baby with Gary Busey, so we’re going to be a lot more on it.”
“I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”
Image source: Pitchfork